Sunday, December 11, 2011
I don't know what happen few months ago call it unmet expectation... expecting too much from person or whatever mistakes he committed (which I can't quite pinpoint) but even until now just thinking about it brought me to tears... so much disappointment I guess from a project/people who I thought I could help and help me as well. Yesterday was the last straw it brought back memories couple of months ago why I decided to give it all up and guess what after giving up that something I emerge myself into a so-called solitude/depression (drowning myself in unlimited korean series day in and day out) no plans, no directions, no aspiration, no dreams just barely existing.Although I know the harm of falling into a depress state but I can't help what I feel that time but thank God the cycle was broken when my cousin invited me to visit Mindanao. Oh what a reprive that was from that tortured state I was renew, refresh, recharge and alive but not until I find out the state of my health last October.
After coming back from Mindanao I thought to visit my doc thinking oh the meds would have workout by now since many months have past but only to findout otherwise so we (doki & I) agree I'll undergo an operation. I guess too much stressful thoughts is not good for my health. I was in a state of denial coz for so long I postpone that operation I seek alternative ways just to make me better but then sometimes one can't fight the inevitable so I succumb to it and have my operation last November.I suddenly find the courage to brave it all out, to get it over and be done with it. From the first day of checking in the hospital even the time I'm on my way to have my operation I felt no fear and not even a single tear fell from my face (which by the way is quite the opposite feeling I have just few weeks before my operation cause last October I sometimes find myself crying thinking of the forthcoming operation - I guess I was in denial state).
Looking back at my stay in the hospital I can deduce I was being brave but not until the time my father brought of opening a foodshop in the province and ask me to manage it and for no reason at all I really burst into tears and the dam was broken. My aunt and mother was so shock why I was crying and the nurses never said a thing but I know maybe they thought I was crying coz I was to undergo a blood transfusion and I'm scared. But what they didn't know I was battling an emotional battle, a hurt I've felt after that project fall to the ground and I guess can't help but be disappointed with the people around it as well.
What I didn't realize is that the hurt runs deep and it was only yesterday when a certain event trigger that hurt and disappointment I felt couple of months ago and you know what the funny thing is I burst to tears once again. Funny in a way that I've brave out a major operation and never shed a tear and here I am just a minor event crying in outrage. I do try so hard in the deepest part of my heart to forgive that person since it's christmas and everything. And one should not hold grudges and unforgiveness since everyone of us are only humans bound to fail and fall short of others expectation. But I guess you can also forgive my weakness that I'm also a person bound to be ruled out by too much emotion and hurt. Well I know in time everything will have its healing and forgiveness but dang it all I was just too freaking emotional yesterday and this kind of emotion is not a welcome visitor for someone who is also trying to heal from a major operation.