Choices

I could wallow in self-pity. I could drink all night and throw up. I could smoke like a chimney on fire. I could sleep around if I want to. But what's the sense of hurting yourself just because the plans you have doesn't turn out the way you want it too. Life has a funny way of twisting things around and screwing your brains loose till you want to scream "I've had enough". It's been one crazy roller coaster ride for me emotionally but if people see me physically everything seems to be in perfect shape.

I've made my choices couple of months back and I can say I've laid down all my cards. I guess I'm still a dreamer through and through. Although it's really sad to accept defeat that you lost something which you have so much hope for. Well what can I say that's part of life, you lose some, you win some it's just a matter of where the wheel is turning.

I went to see a friend today and part of me is happy that she is finally embarking on a new journey but part of me is sad because I know it's not really with the one that she loves. But as I've said our life is full of choices and one should be ready to accept the consequences of that action. However, if one could have a perfect choice would it be grand if everything we like we can have. Sad to say most of the things we want and love is not meant to be in our lives forever.

While on my way home I was thinking so many things how we fight so hard just to reach for our dreams only to come up empty handed. It was a very enlightening, mind-boggling, humbling journey which is sometimes hard to explain to close friends and families. It was only between me and her and we've even come close to cutting ties and ending our friendship. Inspite of it we still find time to laugh, to love and still dream but I give up too soon to follow my heart only to realize it's not a winning card.

Defeat is never sweet especially if the two things that you've fought for was never won. But when I look and glimpse at my friend I see defeat too for all the things that she fought so hard, for all the pain that she endures, for the love that she let go to choose the safer road. To give up her rollercoaster life in exchange for a more peaceful existence. I know deep within me it's the best choice and I'm so happy for her but we'll always have our loses but I know someday we'll be grinning big because we've also win life's battle.

Yes I didn't really get what I really wanted when I came home, maybe you can say I've lost something that's so close to my heart, but I won't worry because I know someday I'll also win in this game of life. It's just a wheel that continues turning, one day your down the next thing you know your on top. Cheer up, life goes on, it moves, it flows just don't be left behind by the tide of change. No matter how bittersweet life is, it's still the most beautiful thing that God has given to us.

Love affair with the Net

I was reconnecting with an old hobby because after so many years geocities is going to cease its operation this October 2009. I guess if you have a site in there you need to transfer it to their paid hosting service or save it to your computer in case you don't want to lose your site. This also means an end to all my sites in geocities, where it all began for me. It was April 1999 that I first made my first website on the web, just the usual point and click. But, for me it was a big accomplishment for someone who have a minimal knowledge about computers. Hence, my love affair with the Internet started, web designing in particular and later some graphics editing. I don't claim to have the best site or techie site but my websites are a product of my hardwork those couple of years back from 1999 - 2005.

My biggest site so far is my poetry site the URL is: http://www.geocities.com/yadz5 done April 2000 with more than 50 pages.

My oldest site but no longer in its original design and compositions is http://www.geocities.com/zhainex done in 1999.

This site I made for my friends is a bit popular in google just try searching "coolbabes" and you can see it in the frontpage the URL is http://www.geocities.com/ryven5 also done 1999 just after my first site.

I also have a graphic website with samples of my vector graphics and first try in graphics design using photoshop the URL is http://geocities.com/grpx5/ done in 2001

I guess that's just some of the sites I've hosted in geocities and a couple of months from now they will no longer be available for viewing. I do have other site hosted in other free webhost but I won't include them here. My one regret and even until now I'm still searching for it is my site with flash animation. Anyway, do take time to get a glimpse of my past pre-occupation cause it will never be seen again in the web after October. I'm still contemplating whether to put it online again or just keep it to myself, however, my poetry site will always remain online as I've already paid for that domain for 2 years and got my own hosting. I still need to upgrade more on web development and design to make my site dynamic and more functional so hopefully that's my future plan.

PS: This post I've also put in my facebook account and I just thought to blog it here also in case some of my friends here are not into facebook.

A Few Good Men

I'm that type of person who always sees good in everyone especially men. Despite how my friend's complains and groans on men's shortcomings and inadequacies I find them still lovable. But before my opinion of them shift completely to 360 degree I vow to stop chatting for awhile. You might ask what has chatting to do with my opinion of men.

If you must know I am a closet chatter for over a decade now creating different persona, nicks and situation that fits my liking. From being a naive chatter, vulgar, aggressive, revengeful, angry, playful, liar, hopeful, dreamy and then I calm down to just being me. I've meet all sort of people from all walks of life in different part of the globe. It's been one amazing journey but lately my enjoyment of chatting seems to evaporate as well as the way I've viewed men in general.

I mean of course I should have known better as if I'm a newbie just trying to learn the abc's of chatting, I guess I'm just tired of all the lies and the games and the senseless direction it always end. It doesn't stimulate me the way it used to be, the people are not the same as they were way back when and the lies have just grown out of proportion. I thought there are still a few good men left in chat but I guess I'm proven wrong, yes it's a bit of a generalized theory but heck I must stop chatting in order for me to still see the good in every men and not get a glimpse of the hidden beast lurking and hiding inside of them. Sometimes the one you thought are the good ones are among the worst one you could ever met.

But anyway I still find them charming and lovable and since this blog is about good men I'll say a little thanks to some of my closest friends who've been there for me through and through:

JP - I met him when he was still 19 y.o and almost a decade later our friendship is still there despite the distance. Although we don't go out as often as before but I know he will always be there for me whenever I need someone to lean on. He is really a rare friend to have that's very sweet and caring. I consider him my longest, dearest and closest friend who have the same temperament with me.

JB - I met him last year unexpectedly and through common known friends and shared interest it was so easy to form a bond with him. Since, it's not always easy to be away from home and your comfort zone he was always there for us whenever we needed anything and vice versa. It's always nice to meet a person who you'll know at the back of your mind that will protect you from harm and trouble.

BT - He is a close family ties through marriage with a cousin. I also met him last year and I'm very grateful for everything that he has done for me. When I almost become homeless (literally) he offer me help without question and let me sleep in his pad despite the limitations of his landlord. He even carry my very heavy luggage through his 3rd storey flat using the stairs. No words can express my gratitude despite his sometimes weird sense of humour and passion.

DM - I maybe a little bit bias with this person because what I felt for him is like the turbulent waves. Sometimes it has its up and sometimes it has its low but despite its ever changing flow he always makes me smile. Even if there are moments that I become so angry and would like to hate him but I really couldn't bring myself to feel that emotion. What I felt for him is hard to explain even to my closest friends. Some people can't comprehend my feelings for him. But let just say he is the constant person to keep me company at the loneliest and troubles times in my life. I meet him last December of 2007 when I was so sad, bored and depressed and he was there during my lonely days in Singapore. Whatever happens I'm so grateful to him who lights a glimmer of hope during my darkest days.

These are just a few people who have touched my life and have become good trusted friends. For all the men I knew who somehow cause me pain and hurt in the past I've all forgiven you because life is too short to hate you. It's a waste of time and energy and if not for that I would have not learn my lesson and grow. Sometimes it's even a blessing why things happen because it mold you into a much better and stronger person.

Realizations

I'm sitting here in the office not feeling so well, I've got the colds and cough well hope it's not too drastic. Just a major change of temperature every now and then from hot weather outside to a very cold office cubicle. Thank God my mood swings lately have started to ebb at least life seems a little bit back to normal. I've been feeling so down and depress lately that people seem to stay away from me because of this mood. But through constant sheer will power and conditioning of my mind finally things settled. Yet I can't really seem to grasp the depth of my anger and the silly thing I did with regards to that certain emotion and person. I mean yeah I always am a very sensible person but with him I've become irrational, irritable and out of control. I know I'm like the song "half crazy" but what can I say I feel deeply for him but hurting myself in the long run is not an excuse. Letting myself be used by a certain person I meet almost a month ago is not an excuse either. Well I let that happen because I'm angry, confused and hurting but it's not a one sided thingy we're both using each other only I feel that I should have been much stronger to give in. I should have trusted God's plan for me but then I'm very impatient and can't wait for His plan to materialize. I want to make my own plans, live my own rules and what did I get out of it but a bruised heart and hurting soul. Never mind the ego we all must live without it inorder to move forward in life. Now I'm not feeling so well literally but at least it heals faster than emotional pain. But if you just believe God loves you through and through then no storm too big you can't conquer.

It only reminds me of You

Verse 1:

I see you, beside me
It's only a dream
A vision of what used to be
The laughter, the sorrow
Pictures in time
Fading to memories

Refrain:

How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know

Chorus:

I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you


Verse 2:

I needed my freedom
That's what I've thought
But I was a fool to believe
My heart lied while you cried
Rivers of tears
But I was too blind to see


Refrain:

Everything we've been through before
Now it means so much more

Chorus:

I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the light
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

Only you...

Bridge:

So come back to me
I'm down on my knees
Boy can't you see...

How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know

Chorus:

I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

Chorus:

I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

You, You,

It only reminds me of you